I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
