K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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