I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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