a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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