Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
