She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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