apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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