ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
