Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
