Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
