new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
