Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
