paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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