New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
