I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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