Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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