Where did you get a picture of my penis
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
