I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
