i just google imaged poop.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
