Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
