Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
