it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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