My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
