TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
