After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
