Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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