she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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