shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.