i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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