Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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