I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
