apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
