It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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