So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
