We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
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They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
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Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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