Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
