The maid of honor just puked.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
