JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
