You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
