is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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