Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
