dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
