I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's shark week go big or go home
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
