i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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