Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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