He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
