Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
