I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
