Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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