I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
