I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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