Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Randomize
