Swine flu. Run for my life!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
