Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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