Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
