I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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