dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
