I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
